Saturday, May 12, 2007

Holy Incarcerated Crazy Neighbors, Batman!

My insane neighbor had a fender-bender yesterday, which eventually led to her arrest. There are several houses on my street in various states of undress/renovation/rebuilding. My crazy neighbor was driving home and hit one of the contractor's vans. Which, by the by, was parked. The police were called (probably at her insistence, since she is very, very fond of calling 911), and it was discovered that my neighbor was driving with a suspended license and may not have any insurance (shocker). Would you insure someone who, in a confiding shout, told you that one of her neighbors turned invisible and snuck into her house to tap her on the head while she was sleeping, so she always had to sleep with a knife tied to her hand? Nuh-uh. You'd flee the room, particularly once she cheerfully demonstrated the stabbing gesture of how she tries to kill The Invisible Neighbor when he taps her on the head (and it'd be a little bit of a shame you didn't just back up to watch from a safe-ish distance, because it is hilarious).

I saw the police asking her for insurance, and heard that she'd hit a parked van, but I had a yen for chorizo with dinner and needed to hustle down to the Spanish Table if I was going to be having some of their scrumptious chorizo. Weirdly, my usual parking karma was on the fritz again (I'm pretty pleased about that), and I snagged a parking space almost directly in front of the store. This may sound heartless or as if I have no interest in neighborhood events, but the police are here with great frequency, and if I let their presence interrupt my dinner plans every time they were here, it would be a real pain.

When I returned, there were two police cars in the street, and my neighbor was in the back of one of them, screaming obscenities and bouncing around in the back enough to rock the squad car. Yowza.

After finding out what was going on (the police had also parked her car for her, made sure her house and car were locked to her satisfaction, which, given the names she was calling them, seemed like they were going the extra mile), I got the police the number of my neighbor's long-suffering niece and went to put together the dinner pictured here. To say cook seems like a stretch. I did actually cook the chorizo- and the kids tried and loved it- and deglazed the pan with sherry. My son loves deglazing sauces, and so was happily rubbing his bread around in it. Cherry tomato salads are obviously best in season, but I am not a 100-mile diet girl, July seems far away right now, and I wanted some tomatoes. I tossed in a small amount of oregano from the garden. Olives, cheese, bread, some dry sliced chorizo, preserved artichoke hearts... and dinner was pretty happy-making for all involved. I happen to love dinners with lots of little plates of things to choose from, and the kids like being able to politely ignore those plates with nasty things on them. I was really pleased that the kids liked the chorizo- my son had seconds. We had a little of the herbed vegetable pickle I made earlier in the week, too. The kids hated that, but did at least try it. It's kind of hilarious watching them taste something they think is nasty.

At any rate: crazy neighbor. As I brought the police officer the number of the niece, my neighbor saw me, and started calling out for me in a piteous way. I felt awful. I cannot, I must say, stand my neighbor. It's very hard to like someone who throws excrement at my house (she no longer has a dog... eeeeewww), smears my car door handle with exrement, makes death threats to me and my other neighbor (for which I usually promptly have her hauled off for), spends long pretty afternoons shouting over the fence that I'm a whore with nothing to eat and nothing but envy, rings my trees, kills my plants and is generally, well, a thorn in my side. It's like living next to Gollum.

But... while I highly doubt she is anything but a rather nasty person, it isn't her fault that she's mentally ill, and she is elderly, lonely and generally pathetic. That said, I wrote the DMV some time ago to say I didn't think she should have a license (she's crazy. she's deaf. she's threatened to kill me and my other very nice neighbor).

The jailer called last night, once she'd been processed into the pokey, to let me know her court time, and ask if I knew anyone who would stand up to say something nice about her driving. I said I could come to court, but, you know, had written the DMV to ask that her license be revoked. I gave the niece's number and offered to call her pastor if he could get the church name from her.

To the right is a picture of her house, complete with the rigged-up fence near her kitchen-door that she has to prevent me from lurking behind the lavender and spraying her with stuff that makes her choke when she's eating fish. And the little spikes on top of the fence with chicken wire.

I am torn between feeling horrible for my neighbor and really, really glad that she might not be around this weekend, puttering around in her yard while muttering to herself about what a whore I am. Maybe it's just because I'm very bourgeois and set in my ideas about how things should be celebrated, but my idea of a happy mother's day doesn't include someone repeatedly shouting that I'm a no-good whore with nothing to eat who should go back to the country. Anyway, hilarious, sad, guilt inducing, belly-laugh inducing.


ACE said...

Pink Sneakers Productions is currently casting a new documentary
series tentatively titled, “Life Chronicles”. Each episode documents
the day-to-day lives of people sharing their amazing life experiences
as they face exceptional challenges, such as yours, and cope with unique and frustrating situations with their neighbors.

Since you have been directly affected by a crazy neighbor, you would be great for the show and I really hope you will consider being interviewed. This is a unique and sensitive topic which would be covered through a true,
documentary style format to inform and educate our viewers while
preserving respect for you. Take some time to think about it, and if you would like to
share your story please contact us at or call
the Life Chronicles casting department at 407.464.2080. Thank you!

Meg said...
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