I found the perfect guy to set my crazy neighbor up with! You know, when, uh, she gets released from that whole being involuntarily committed... thing.
Check him out! He likes to call people whores (for fun, I'm sure. We all need hobbies.), too. They are a perfect, insane match. They’d have so much to talk about. For starters, just ticking off who is and isn’t a whore would take up their first several dates. It's been pretty well established that I’m a whore (a rhubarb-stealing one, at that). My neighbor on the other side of my crazy neighbor (who trampily has two lovely daughters, a sweet husband and a children’s shoe store, just as you would expect from a street-walking shameless slut) is a whore. Apparently, one of the current school board members is a whore. One of the other people running for school board office is a whore (it looks like PTAs and the school board are whore magnets).
Really, their first date will be filled with a lively back-and-forth (at full volume, since my neighbor is a bit deaf) discussion of whores, corrupt media outlets, invisible men who sneak in and steal coffee, how to deflect signals from outer space with tinfoil bits stapled to your hat, and maybe even a romantic walk on the beach at sunset. Although that last one might seem a little trampy for a first date.
I just hope that, um, once they realize it’s true love and they must be married 1) they decide to live at his place and 2) they don’t invite me to their wedding for the celebratory tar-and-feathering of The Neighborhood Skin And Bones Whore.