Monday, September 7, 2009

If Gwynnie Can Spatchcock a Chicken...

Then maybe I should be able to.

Yes, it’s deeply silly to say, “hmm, a celebrity who I don’t really like can do this. I should learn how to do it, too.” It’s a twisted form of keeping up with the Joneses. When you don’t like or care about the Joneses.
I will say for Miz Paltrow: she is much thinner, taller, and, alas for me, far, far hotter than I am (Stumpy loyally insists that she is dull as dirt and that he prefers short Hispanic chicks... like me. Hooray for Stumpy's loyalty. Moving on.). Were I tall, thin, blonde and icily lovely, I would very likely be prancing around (while playing basketball! Which I finally would be tall enough for!), singing “I’m super-hot and tall! Pass me the ball! Wooo!” I would, for these very reasons, probably be highly disliked. So I guess it’s just as well that I am neither famously beautiful nor handily tall.

However, it appears that Paltrow has learned to spatchcock a chicken, and no, that doesn’t involve doing anything like Richard Gere was rumored to do with hamsters way back when. It does, however, involve a video of her, on her GOOPy website, demonstrating the whole thing (roasted with potatoes, even), and, even better, the parody. Watch both. Seriously. The Gwynnie video is quite dull but makes satisfying set-up (at least when you have some time to waste, as I did when I was baking cookies for a school event) for the parody. It's not the end-all, be-all, but it's maliciously enjoyable on a quiet evening.

It’s the parody, with the "finished" raw chicken, that actually got me thinking that maybe I should learn to spatchcock a chicken. Also, it’s ridiculously fun to say. It sounds like something you might find at Babeland. Or a sex-related injury for men. Uh, anyway.

I don’t know why I enjoy making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow more than other, imminently mockable celebrities (there are plenty of them). Perhaps because her efforts to be a guru of things like home life when she obviously does not spend a lot of time on domestic affairs? GOOP is entertainingly out-of-touch in a head-scratching way, because Paltrow obviously doesn’t need the cash. If it hurts her feelings, she can dry her eyes on hundred pound sterling notes from her husband’s royalties while waiting for her personal trainers and chefs to arrive and her pedicure to dry.

Still, next up (well, after soccer practices and hockey crud and PTA meetings and mural painting and volunteer organizing and and and): spatchcocking. Hee. Just typing “spatchcock” makes me laugh like a grade-schooler who says “underpants” and starts to giggle furtively.


Anonymous said...

Not just your parents, Spatchcock, all your sibs too.
DUH, dudette ;-).

cook eat FRET said...

been reading down but this post defiitively reminded me that i've been away too long

cook eat FRET said...

and here's the missing N