Sunday, May 23, 2010

Curse of the 1,000 Crunches

Or: Kvetching About Lost's Final Season.

So, look, it's a commercial break and all, but I'd like, once again, to note my objections to the fact that the writers of Lost have regularly deviated from the classic storytelling device of ancient Greeks and Shakespeare: a hot guy running around without his shirt beats a deus ex machina any day. If it was good enough for Euripides, it should be good enough for pop culture.

But, no. This season, the devotees of daily sit-ups and eschewers of carbs and fat? 1) Have kept their shirts on, even in circumstances (like, walking down the street) in which it would make sense to remove their shirts and 2) have died. I call it curse of the 1,000 crunches. Sayid? Devoted to crunches. Also? Dead. Jin? Stuck with the regimen. Also? Dead. Sawyer? Look. Great dimples. Still quite fit. But I think he has allowed a cookie to pass his lips this season, and may have dropped to only 500 crunches a day. Also? His character is still alive. Same goes for Jack. The season has been awash in disappointing deaths and campy writing (in ways both good and bad, because sometimes camp is like a glitter-encrusted shoe - tasteless, but fun, but also in the genuinely bad - it looks like the writers took more than a few drunk days and let the interns do the writing).

For me, the disappointment culminated in the episode called Ab Aeterno. Despite my hopes for a hilarious montage of shirtless male abdomens, the episode was not all about highlighting six-packs and men behaving like shirts were kryptonite. So sad. That's been the freaking season.

I think the basic rule of thumb here will be that characters who've done their sit-ups are doooomed (Richard, that means you and your hidden stash of guy-liner), and characters who haven't (Claire! Because you were knocked up!) will survive. Place your bets; it's the very, very end (and a very special episode. With an end that you never! saw! coming!... if you were six and your mom allowed you to stay up that late).

Post-show note: Wrong about Richard, but the curse of the 1,000 crunches left Hurley in charge.

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