Saturday, June 11, 2011

Things to Think About While Driving From Seattle to Chicago in a Weekend

1. Once you cross into eastern Washington, no need to get fussed about the guy in the Prius refusing to move out of the fast lane (presumably because he feels that 3 miles over the limit means he is Entitled To The Fast Lane). Just move over when the inevitable gigantic pick-up comes flying up behind you (don’t worry, you won’t have to wait long), and let him chew on the bumper of the Prius for, oh, ten seconds, and the fast lane will open back up. It's like magic.

2. Montana is really, really big.

3. They aren’t joking at the Little Bighorn Battlefield about looking out for rattlesnakes. I took a break and walked around and saw… rattlesnakes. About three feet away from me. Three words for you in eastern Montana: closed toe shoes.

4. Again, Montana? Big. Really big. Holy crap does it take forever to get across that damn state.

5. There is a weird correlation in South Dakota and Minnesota with a) an increase in roadkill, b) the increase in pro-life/anti-abortion billboards and c) the increase in billboards advertising Sexxxy! Adult! Superstores! The conclusion that someone passing through at 80mph might draw is that people who live in eastern SD and southern MN need more porn to get through days filled with extra dollops of super-hatey Jesus freaks (look, I respect differing views, but arguments for your view don't need to be made in a hateful way), and in their hurry to get their damn porn, already, they run over animals. I am simply assuming that there is always a liquor store located next to the sexxxy adult superstores, since liquor and porn seem like they would be like beans and rice. Only dirrrtier. That seems like a safe assumption?

6. I’d forgotten about the bug increase in the same zone - central South Dakota through southern Minnesota. Ick. It sounded like rain on the windshield at night. Blech. Is there anything more fun than cleaning a crust of squished bugs off the windshield after 10 hours of driving? Why yes. Yes, there is.

7. Wisconsin drivers exceed the speed limit more in construction zones than out of it. Perhaps their need to get to the nearest Cheese Haus/Cheese Chalet/Cheese Schloss makes them reluctant to take their foot off the accelerator? Behind the Cheese Curtain, of course, is the only place I saw billboards for various sorts of cheese stores. No ads for polka outfit stores, though, which was a little disappointing.

8. Once again, though insanely beautiful, Montana is also absurdly large. Crikey.

9. Driving that far in about two and a half days is not really fun.


Charlie Mas said...

You may have found one of the few instances in which "buns of steel" sounds like a good idea.

Michael H said...

How many hours did it take you to cross Montana? I'm planning on going that way in a few months.

Anonymous said...

If you are ever in Aanchorage and want to indulge your love of very cool shoes, try Shuzyq

Or the sister store in Juneau Shoefly, which is the best shoe store evah -in Alaska that is.


Meg said...

Michael - I only made it as far as Billings on my first day, since I was coming from Seattle. It was ~550 miles on I-90, so at an average of 70mph, maybe just shy of 8 hours for Montana? That's keeping things moving, though.

Guyanne | La Vita Saporita said...

Just found your blog through Bleeding Espresso. You had me at Nutella, but the drive from Seattle to Chicago (my hometown) cinched it. Looking forward to more digressions. And yes, Montana is really freakin huge.